Is this a respectable job application?

I would use the edited version, which is a good improvement. Leave out the bit about drums and dirt jumping. Also, keep in mind that it is talking to the managers at local businesses that will get you a job, not the letter. It's not a bad thing to have, it will set you apart from other applicants who walk in empty handed. But again, it's a 2-3 minute "sales speech" followed by asking for an application which will get yout the job. Always speak to the manager, by the way. If he or she isn't there, ask when they will be and come back then. Good luck!